will i go through till
i am home with you
— rupi kaur (via rupikaur)
So I go through these cycle of depression. Well It’s mostly cycles of how I hide my depression. On my “normal” part of the cycle I loose weight, I exercise, I’m talkative, friendly, I wear makeup and dress up. Essentially I become a pro at hiding my true feelings. But after a while I start to crack. I start slowly gaining weight, literally not being able to control what I eat. I could be bursting full and be thinking to myself that I need to stop but I find myself reaching for another helping, I think that might be some sort of eating disorder. I stop primping myself because my clothes don’t fit and so I stop caring about how I look like. I start missing days from work, Around this time is when I usually quit work or school or whatever commitment I have. But this job I have right now is too good to quit so I force myself out of bed every morning, I struggle to put on halfway decent clothes and I show up to work and force myself to stay. I feel so alone and empty but I still put up a smile to the world, my family and friends have no idea that I cry every day, that I stay up all night and deprive myself of sleep as a form of self harm.
I don’t have insomnia, I just force myself to stay awake as a form of self harm, I don’t know why I do this. Why I stay awake all night running scenarios in my head that will never happen, think of all the stupid shit I have done in my life so I won’t go to sleep. How I wish that I had a partner who loves me for me, not just someone who wants to fuck me, like the two guys I fuck with now. How I wish I was pretty and confident. How I wanna go back to school and at least get my two year degree. How everytime I shower I try to rub off all the dirt that burns my skin.All this and no one in my life notices what I’m going through, which makes me question if they are paying attention to me at all, If they truly care about me why do they look away and pretend everything is normal, I wish I could ask for help but I can’t, I’m too scared. I wish I could see a doctor or a therapist but that is money I don’t have and probably never will. Anyway I just needed to get that off my chest.
Friendly reminder to Kpop fans:
South Korea’s world does not revolve around Kpop.
Kpop is not the only thing South Koreans care about.
It is a country filled with people and right now a tragedy has struck.
Please don’t be insensitive and disrespectful.
Reading the fucking comments from (white) KPop fans complaining that the ferry crash delayed some Exo music video release has made me SO mad. So, so, so mad.
My thirst is off the charts right now